just a little change

It always surprises me how easy it is to pull myself together in a public place. I wasn't always able to keep it together. It used to be that the smallest of things had me falling to pieces. But I had grown up so much in the past year and, thank goodness, I had been able to build that much needed barrier between me and the rest of the world. Now, (unless they were one of the few who could read my face) no one knew when I was upset unless I let them.

So it wasn't hard for me to take that step into the little diner and switch from heart-on-my-sleeve mode to public mode.

Sami and I sat down at the cherry red booth, setting our much craved banana splits (with extra chocolate) down at the black and white checkered table. A new woman in town, Carri White, had taken over the diner recently and she was notorious with her flair for the dramatic. She had taken the dull as paper building and transformed it into something with a warm, glamorous, movie set sort of setting. Just being inside the place made me feel better... Perhaps that was why Sami had chosen to bring me here.

Carri herself was in the diner that day, and she smiled broadly from behind the counter when she saw us come in. I hoped that she would have a chance to come over and chat with us later, if there was a break in business. Although Whiton was a small town, the fact that The Parlour was the only place that served edible food meant that Carri was doing fantastically well for herself.

The conversation between Sami and I was light and relaxing, as we ate our creamy Banana Split. Soon, I was nearly completely calm inside as well as out. I smiled at Sami as I leaned back and stretched. I laughed as my spine popped back into place, "Oh, gosh, my spine is all crinkled."

"Izzy!" Sami moaned at me, "That is so gross. I swear..." She trailed of as I burst into a fit of giggles at her reaction. "You said that just to freak me out," she accused, "didn't you?"

I just laughed harder. She glared at me without true anger, "You jerk."

By then we were both giggling, and that was how Carri found us when she was finally able to escape from the hungry masses. "Well, hello girls." I scooched over in the booth so that she could sit next to me. She practically sank into the cushion of the seat next to me, sighing dramatically as if it was the first time she had been able to sit down all day- knowing Carri, perhaps it was.

Her head thrown back against the cushion, Carri said "That idiot, Arron, quit today. Just flat up called me this morning and told me not to expect him in because he could care less about The Parlour or his job here."

Sami and I shared a look. Arron Stine had always been a creepy sort of guy, the sort who would sneak a look down your shirt when you weren't paying attention. But it had been hard for Carri to find someone to work at The Parlour with her. Any of the decent workers had already been snagged by the local fast food places or the Walmart.

My brain whirred, maybe this could be a change, perhaps not the change, but it was better than nothing. Impulsively, I turned to Carri. "I'd need to turn in my notice to McDonalds, and finish up a last week there, but if you want me I'm your girl."

A Friend In Need...

"I know it's rough," Sami consoled, putting her hand on mine for a second. "I know it is."

I looked at her; she was studying the road again. I couldn't look away. She was so pretty. Her hair blowing innocently behind her back, her hands steady against the jarring steering wheel that was revolting against the car's aching wheel alignment. Too many jaunts down too many country roads.

I knew she could feel my stare, but she made no move to bring it to an end. All she had to do was look at me and I'd have looked away. It's so much easier to stare at someone who's just a disinterested third party.

I couldn't help but wish she could read my mind. It would be so much easier than expressing it out loud. The truth was, I didn't really know why I was so unhappy. So restless. Here I had a wonderful friend--a perfectly wonderful gal pal--someone I could hang with who held me under no obligation to look good, feel good or even be good. She liked me no matter what part of myself I chose to show her that day and she just dealt with it. She was so secure in herself she never felt compelled to change anybody around her. She did not need me to change so that she could like me. She was one of exactly two people in my life who felt that way.

The rest were Charlies.

"Give it up, Izzy, I know you wanna cry. Just cry, for cryin' out loud. Then we'll both feel better."

She was kind enough not to look at me when she said it.

The flood gates opened wide and I threw my face into my grimy hands. Lord, how I hate crying. I do whatever it takes to avoid it, but there was no avoiding this one. Some invitations are harder to resist than others.

"I don't know what it is, Sami, I can't figure it out," I choked.

"Figure what out?"

"This...this unhappiness. This...loss. Why do I feel like I've lost something? I can't figure that out. It's like I'm running with a blindfold on."

"And a pair of scissors in your hands!"

"Exactly! But why? What's so different about today? Why do I have to live without something I want when it's really such a small thing?" The ingratitude was beginning to strangle me.

Ingratitude. Am I really that ungrateful? Am I really this self-pitying? There's got to be something more to this...this FIT...than poor, pitiful me. "I think I'm coming undone. How do I pick it all up. The pieces. Where do they fit now?"

"Now? What do you mean now, nothing's changed. So you had a hard time dealing with your ex, who wouldn't? You're not as dramatic as you think you are. You need to chill. Seriously. Forget about it. It's done. I'm here and we're almost in Whiton. It's time to get some ice cream down at The Parlour; what're they going to think if we don't show up?"

I looked at my watch. Sam was right. There was half a banana split with my name on it waiting there at The Parlour, third booth from the left--the one with the new upholstery. I knew Sam wasn't brushing anything under the rug; she just wanted me to get myself together before we hit town. It would mortify me to be seen carrying on as such in public. I could never face anyone again. It was time to put it behind me for a while, just get through the next half hour, and move my feet forward. One baby step at a time.

I looked out the window of Sam's car, the cracks in the faux leather seat dug into my skin. I fidgeted, feeling Sam's eyes on me- I knew she was worrying, I knew that she wanted to know what had happend, and I also knew she would wait for me to be ready to tell her what was going on. I looked out the window, trying to hide from everything for just a little longer.
If only I truly understood what was happening myself. No matter what I did, nothing in my life seemed to go according to plan. I had never wanted my life. I wanted something far more.... Just more than what I had. That sounds selfish and ungrateful, I know. But it's the truth.
I rolled down the window and let the breeze blow in through the car. Eva Cassidy sang through the static on the radio.

In the early morning rain with a dollar in my hand

And an aching in my heart

And my pockets full of sand

I'm a long way from home

And I miss my loved ones so

In the early morning rain...

With no place to go

"What am I doing here, Sami?" I finally broke the silence. Sam looked at me askance for a moment before she furrowed her brow to puzzle over my question.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean... Here as in on planet earth? Or... What do you mean?" Sam asked, as she flicked her eyes from the road towards me for a moment.

I sighed, sinking further into my battered seat, feeling the stuffing agains my skin in places. I looked out the window as I said, "Its just so hard getting up every morning and living a life that doesn't have a destination. I'm not going anywhere. No matter how hard I try. I get up. I go to a job that doesn't make me happy, and then I come home and chill with you. I go to bed. I'm tired of not having a purpose. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing anything with my life."

"Oh, honey." She took a deep breath and let it out in a woosh. I watched the lines on the side of the road blur as they passed me by until, finally I could see the sign for Whiton in the distance. I closed my eyes and tried to remember to breath.