Love Hurts

"Nothing. Charlie was just leaving," I replied before Charlie could. "Weren't you, Charlie?"

He just looked at me. That blank, familiar, "What'd I do?" stare.

"I drove 75 all the way here until I got stuck behind a stupid combine, dang it I hate those things!" Sam's long, heavy brown hair blew around her face getting in her mouth as she spit out the word "combine." Sam hated farm implements.

"Thanks for coming, Sami, I really appreciate it," I purred, edging Charlie out of the picture by standing in front of him as if he were invisible. "I'll get my junk out of the Bug and we can jet, it'll only take a sec."

"No hurry, Iz," Sami responded, eyeballing Charlie with her evil blue-eyed Ice Glare. "What the heck are you doing here, Charlie," she put him on the spot. "Hoping to rescue a damsel in distress. Your specialty these days?"

"You know what, I should be going, I gotta do something in town in a little while," Charlie responded after deciding not to dignify Sami's accusation with any sort of defense.

"Good! You better git, then!" Sami encouraged waving her hand toward his obnoxious make-out mobile.

I smiled to myself. Sami always had my back.

For a minute there I felt a little guilty. Charlie was just trying to help. He'd have done anything I asked him to do. I just don't want anything from him. Least of all his help.

I'd rather be lonely than pitied.

"See ya, girls," he had to nerve to holler out his window as he pulled away, spraying dirt at us as he left. I knew he didn't mean to, but I called him a name just the same.

"I HATE THAT GUY!" I screamed at the tops of my lungs.

It felt good.

"He's such a tool. Don't waste another second on him, Izzy," Sami consoled. "But just remember: love and hate are not always too far apart."

I knew what she meant, even though I decided not to react to it. When it comes to people, you don't really hate something you never loved. Why would you bother?

Never See You The Same Way

That was it, I was pissed, I was stressed and I was tired. "Look, Charlie, you can stay or you can go. I don't really care." I stared him down and tried to put a feeling of apathy behind my words, they came out sounding dead instead. "But I'm going back to sleep until Sam gets here- so don't expect me to entertain you."

He was quiet for a moment as he tried to stare me down. But I had had enough. I glared up at him until he blinked at me in surprise. With a sigh I found my place on the grass and tried to regain the small comfort of a few minutes before.

"Hey kid, come on, don't be that way." Charlies voice was soft and intreating. I wasn't the least bit tempted to give in to the pull I felt at the tone.

I shut my eyes tight and tried to will the tightness from my muscles. If I could just hold out for another thirty minutes Sam would be here and I wouldn't have to worry about a thing.

"Just go away Charlie." I heard a rustle next to my head, the sound of Charlie settling onto the grass beside me. I sighed, and sat up. "When I say, go away, I actually mean go away." With each syllable I poked him in the chest for emphasis. Thinking of Sara I silently added, 'Unlike some people.'

"For crying out loud, Isabelle, what is your problem?" His eyes sparked with sudden frustration.

He was mad at me? No way. I stood up, "My problem?" My voice was chill and quiet, and I knew my eyes were slit in my worst death glare. For once I wasn't going to care about keeping my cool around this boy. I wasn't going to take his crap silently anymore.

"This place is my problem!" I stretched my arms wide to encompass all of Kansas, or at least all of Whiton.

"Not knowing where I belong is my problem! Not being happy is my problem! Having no control is my problem!" The wind blew straight in my face and my red hair fluffed up, creating a strange sort of halo around my head.

I stalked toward Charlie until he was backed up against the side of my useless Bug, and continued, "Being scared is my problem! You are my problem!" My voice had risen to a shrill screech until it cracked on the last word.

I turned away, only then realizing that I had started to cry. Charlies hand came to rest on my arm. I brushed it away and without looking at him said, "You walked away from me, Charlie. You hurt me. You don't get to be part of my life now just because you want to. Go away. Now."

"No, Isabelle."

I just turned at looked at him blankly. It was as if I couldn't comprehend the meaning of the word he had just spoken. I open my mouth to reply- without a clue what in the world I was about to say- but then, as if from far away, I heard a car door slam shut and Sam calling my name.

"Izzy? Charlie! What the hell is going on?!"

Danger Ahead

"Sam! Thank GOD you're there!" I nearly screamed.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked, worried.

"I'm stranded. That's what's wrong," I began to cry. I always cry when I'm frustrated--something I loathe about myself.

"Stranded? What do you mean? Do you need a ride home from work; I'm crossing Third Street, I can be there in two minutes--"

"No! I'm not at work...I'm on the highway. About an hour out of Whiton," I began, "thirty some miles south of Charlie's place."

"An hour out of Whiton? Why?"

Obviously, Sam hadn't been home in a while. "Oh Sami, I've made such a mess of things!" I sobbed.

"No you haven't! What're you talking about? Hold on, I'll be right there, don't move!"

Highway 66 was the only road out of town. You could go north or you could go south but you couldn't get lost. I knew all I could do now was wait.

There was typically no traffic this time of day. Very little traffic at any time of day. Nobody wanted to come to Whiton. The only road with any wear on it was north--a good hundred miles north where the only shopping mall west of the Mississippi and east of the Rockies resides. So I felt safe in lying in the grass and getting some shut-eye.

I don't know how long I lay there when I heard a vehicle approach. It didn't sound like Sami's little rice grinder, it sounded like a truck. A truck I had heard many times before.

"Need a lift?" he hollered, leaning toward the passenger side window.

Charlie. Of course it was Charlie.

"No, I'm okay," I answered, lamely.

"Funny, you don't look okay," he laughed, pulling over and parking.

Great. I was officially a hostage.

"What's up, Beautiful?" he asked, looking more handsome than I remembered.

"Nothing," I couldn't make eye contact, so I began slicing blades of grass open with the edge of my thumbnail.

"Looks like you've got places to go, people to see," he said, pointing to my stuffed Bug.

"Yeah. Looks like it."

"Got radiator problems?" he walked toward the back of the Bug and opened up the hood. "Ooh, this doesn't look good," he announced, taking in a sharp breath.

"Look, Charlie, Sam's on her way, you don't need to help me, I'll be fine," I said irritably. I couldn't help it. I was always defensive when it came to Charlie.

"I can see you'll be fine, of course, who wouldn't be fine...stranded out here in the middle of nowhere, the closest ranch being a good 20 miles in either direction. I'm surprised you got cell service." He looked at me with his eyebrows slightly arched. The way he always looked when he teased me.

"Listen, I'm just going to load up her car and push this over toward the ditch. Whoever wants it can have it. I'm done with it." I dropped the blade of grass I was dissecting and folded my arms over my chest. Still, I couldn't look at him.

"Why're you leaving, anyway? Where are you going?" He looked geniuinely concerned. I couldn't help but feel a little guilty about my earlier sentiments. What if he saw me? And here he was being so nice and so helpful. But that wasn't entirely unlike Charlie. If you didn't need him, he'd be right there.

"Don't worry about it, I don't need any help," I maintained stubbornly, staring south, praying for Sami to get here already.

It only made him intensely interested.

"I can see that," he answered sarcastically. "Well, I'll just wait here with you until Sami comes, then, even though you're so...self-sufficient."

"Suit yourself," I said, blinking back the hot wind that blew my bangs straight back. A look, no doubt, that made him wish he'd never broken up with me.

I had to concentrate here. I couldn't let Charlie in. Not the least bit. I was glad I looked so hideous. Glad I made no effort to look the least bit better. Glad it was no longer important to me what Charlie thought of how I looked.

But I could feel myself slipping.

So I stared harder. Without blinking now. No matter what, Charlie would never have another chance to play me. Even if that wasn't his intention the first time around, I had fallen way too hard. I was never again going to be told, "It's not you, it's me." Whatever that means.

The Boomerang Girl

I thought that I had made it out of Whiton, the road was open to me and the world felt larger than ever. I rolled my window down, and felt the crisp, chill wind against my face. But instead of the clean scent of fresh air and grass my nose was assaulted by the scent of smoke and my already stinging eyes burned with the smoke I hadn't realized was eminating from my cars engine.
A faint chug-chhhhh whine wheezed from under the hood of my car as I coasted to the side of the road. My car had officially died.
I threw open the door, slamming it hard behind me as I cursed my frustration, kicking aimlessly at the tires until I nearly tripped- instead I sat down, hard, on the ground. Small poufs of dust rose up around me and I watched as the sunlight made them shimmer.
What the hell was I doing? Why was I leaving again? Maybe, I thought, this was a sign. A sign that I was just going to screw myself up if I went to Texas. But I wanted to know where I belonged so badly.
I longed for Samantha; for one of our long, analytical disscussions that somehow always clarified exactly what I was thinking. She could always point out when I was being flighty or unreasonable. Sam had the talent for tearing a situation down to the truth. She gave me the truth, and then allowed me to do with it whatever I decided, but most importantly she stuck by me through the fallout.
Sitting out there on the ground, in the middle of Nowhere, Kansas I realized I didn't have a clue what I was doing. In all that I prided myself in being focused and centered, somewhere along the road out of Whiton I had lost that knowlege of myself.
So, I stood, brushing the dust from my jeans, swiped my cell phone from my car and called Sam, prepared to beg for forgiveness and praying for her understanding.
As the phone rang I couldn't help but realize that less than an hour from the time I had thrown myself from Whiton I was coming back (however unwillingly)- I was the boomerang girl.

Route 66

I wasn’t prepared to feel lonely when I finally decided to head south and leave the stuff I couldn’t fit into the back of my ’72 VW Bug in my deserted 8 x 7 room with a note to my roommate, Samantha: “Help yourself to whatever you like. And remember that I think you’re the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me in this one-horse town.”

I packed up and left while she was at work. I knew she’d be worried about me, but she knew I’d been thinking about this. This abandonment. And I couldn't bear a goodbye. I'd had too many of those in my life. And Sam knew it. She'd never be petty enough to hold it against me.

Samantha and I had grown closer than sisters while I lived with her these past many months. We’d stay up until all hours of the night talking, discussing, analyzing, reiterating—coming to many conclusions. Mostly about men. And most of them wrong. We were just trying to figure it all out, Life and its many complexities. While I was grounded and fixated, she was superfluous and flighty. We were a perfect combination. I was going to miss her. And I cried as I pulled out of Whiton’s only gas station, for the last time.

The open road greeted me like a long, lost friend. Beckoning me, really. I wondered why I’d put it off for so long. Probably because of Charlie. I never meant any of my life to be ordered by Charlie, and if you had asked me I would have vehemently denied it, but there was no mistaking it. What is it about emotionally irrelevant relationships that make a girl crazy? They have a way of building prison walls that no one can escape from. Not until you find the weak spot and push just a little bit. And Charlie, although he was the reason for the fortress, was also the weak spot. As soon as I was willing to push it hard enough, it gave way without a fight. Just crumbled right there into a pile of useless rubble.

I drove by his little ranch just south of town and gave it a one-finger salute at 65 mph. It felt good to be rid of him. Completely.

I giggled about the fact that I felt ashamed of my gesture--but not enough to take it back. Charlie deserved more than a drive-by, “Screw you!” But as lonely as I was, I didn’t have the time. Texas was waiting for me. And I knew what that meant.

Holding Back, Holding On

No matter how I looked at my life during that time, I couldn't keep myself from I asking this question, "Why am I still here?"

I had never intended to stay in Whiton, Kansas (population 3,543). But then I did anyway. At one point I had had good, solid reasons behind my choice to stay. My family had asked me to stay close by. I was young, it was my first experience with living alone- I needed the support. But my family was moving away from Whiton, and I was finding out that I was ready to start taking care of myself. Most importantly, I wanted to leave. I wanted to go back to Texas. To all the people who were drawing me back home.

Whiton was a beautiful place, but I could feel myself going more and more stir crazy everyday. It wasn't about Charlie. It hadn't been about him for a long time. The space was so small, and I couldn't keep my mind from turning to the the wide open space that was the setting to so many of my memories.

Now I just had to decide if it was worth it, to fly blind into a whole new world- when I could survive comfortably, if not happily, in this small town which had once felt like enough.