Was it only a few, short months ago that I took those first, figurative steps towards Charles? You have to understand, I thought we were taking steps together...
It was so new, so completely new, this thing between us. There was a spark in the air when his hand brushed my arm. Electricity when our eyes met. I felt different when he looked at me. Like I was something more than myself. There was a look in his eyes... I couldn't understand it, I doubt I ever will, but it pulled me in and sucked me under, and by the time I realized what was happening I couldn't remember why I had once been so scared to let him in. He was in, and I rather liked it that way.
He shouldn't have been my type. Too much swagger, too much confidence, too much... Just plain too much. But he was. Oh, he so was my type. Charlie had a sort of little boy charm ready hold out a hand and pull you into him. He had such silly, simple delight in the littlest of things. Sometimes, the best times, it was me that could bring that out of him. I never felt more amazing than those times I did something silly, something simple that made him light up from the inside.
I just wish I'd seen his goodbye when it came, in the form of an enveloping, all encompassing embrace. But it came out of the blue. It was unexpected. Silent. Heartbreaking- and I wouldn't see it for what it was until he was long gone. He was too far away from me to reach him. I was too hurt to ever really take a chance on caring that way for him again.
The person I know now and the person was falling for then are separate in my mind. Perhaps one day they will reshape into a single distinct form. Into the real Charlie... Whoever that is.
But for now I am left to attempt to forget him, the look in his eyes, and the feeling of his arm around my shoulder. All I can hope is that I'll understand tomorrow.
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