Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda...

Sometimes, I get so caught up in the what-could-have-beens that I ignore the realities. This was the case with Charlie. In my daydreams we were perfect for each other, but in truth if we were perfect for each other we would be together. It was really just that simple.

And finally, finally, I had accepted that. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. For a moment there was the bewildering lightness about me. I felt that I might float up, off, and away. But then I was just... fine. Just me. It was like I was finally taking off my blinders and seeing the world for what it was: big, full, and waiting for me- if only I would reach beyond my safe little view of the world, where the only risks I took weren't risks at all. It's not a risk if you know the outcome before hand. I knew Charlie would never change, no matter what chances I took on him he would never reach out and because I knew that, he could never break my heart.

Charlie had been my excuse. My reason to not risk myself. So I was taking a chance, breaking away from the familar, and I was terrified... and I was free. Free of anger, towards him and myself. At myself for caring too much, at him for not caring at all.

I was in my apartment, sitting on the worn couch the night I realized all of this (which was ironic
because that was the place that Charlie had instigated The Talk). A movie was blaring from the TV, but I can't recall what it was for the life of me. It was as if the room had fallen away, and I was open and exposed. Bared to myself. And I ran. Outside into the wet, cold night. Away to an old abandoned swing set where I sat, shivering, swinging slowly, long into the night.

The sun came up eventually, as the sun always does. As it will do tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that. My hair was stringy around my face, my shirt was soaked through, and I was in severe danger of coming down with a cold- but I was better. I was moving on. And with that thought I shoved my feet down into the wet dirt, my hands clenching over the cold chain links, and I was flying. I was free.